Now that you’ve made your list, take a look at it. See each of the things you’ve listed individually, as though it were real.
Do this one at a time.
Some people say that seeing it helps you to believe it can be done. That’s true. Others say that actually focusing on it helps to get your subconscious to believe it’s possible and start making it happen. That’s also true. But those aren’t the reasons I suggest this.
I want you to see it for another reason. If you have always thought “I’d like to drive a fancy car,” see that happening. How does that actually make you feel?
Does it make no real difference in how you feel? (Forget how others feel about you. That’s their business, not yours.)
Does it actually make you feel happier? Maybe it represents a milestone, or gives you a sense of accomplishment.
You need to see it, to put yourself in the situation as though it were real, to know if it’s something you really want, or if it’s something you think you’re supposed to want.
Life is way too short to spend it messing with things you don’t want, just to live up to someone else’s expectations. If they’re concerned with laying expectations on other people, they won’t be made happy when you fulfill them anyway.
It’s your life.
What do you really want?
If there’s something on that list that you don’t see making a big change in your happiness, drop it like a hot rock. It will keep you from getting something you DO want.
Anything that you decide isn’t really important to you, cross it off.
Now, look at the list again.
How many of the things that you want don’t cost money at all? Probably some of the most important ones, I’d bet. Those are what I call “Permission Goals.”
Maybe you feel you have to somehow prove you deserve them. This can range from where you live, to what kind of people you have in your life.
Maybe you think you don’t have the time. These can be things like learning a language or musical instrument, or taking up a new hobby.
Move those goals over to another list. (There’s a worksheet provided for this.) These may be easy, or they may be the hardest to achieve, because they involve a decision. Usually they don’t involve much more than that.
Something has kept you from making the decision in the past. If it’s just not realizing that a decision was all that was in the way, or pure routine, they’ll be easy. Just do it.
If it’s some psychological issue, you’re going to have to deal with that. I’m not a psychologist, so we’ll leave that for a professional to help with.
Again, move those goals to the Permission Goals list, and cross them off the one you’re working with now.
Cleaning House
Now, you’re going to create one more list. Things to get rid of.
Face it, if your life is full of stress, and your time consumed by things you don’t enjoy, your chance of getting where you want to be is horribly reduced. If you somehow managed to get there despite those things, carrying them along with you will keep you from enjoying your goals.
You need to get rid of the clutter.
What exists in your life right now that won’t exist in your perfect life? What annoys you without giving anything positive back? What stresses, unpleasant relationships, environmental conditions, work issues, routines, commitments, etc?
List them all.
There are some types of things that should be dropped immediately. The first group are things that you do because you’re concerned about what others will think of you if you don’t do them.
If your happiness depends on what someone else thinks of you, you’ll never have control of your life. And you’ll never be happy.
You can’t please everyone. Trying is a sucker’s game.
….
Another group are the things you do because “someone has to.” Do they really? And if so, why you? What horrible thing would happen if you stopped doing them?
Commitments are more complicated. If you agreed to something, you need to make sure it’s taken care of. Or find an honest way to get out of the commitment or get it fulfilled in some other way.
Note: I’m talking about commitments that you don’t want. There are things each of us are committed to that we wouldn’t be happier giving up.
Ask yourself for many of these: Did I really agree to this, or is it defined as a commitment by convention or default?
If you didn’t agree to it, it’s not a commitment. It’s an expectation.
Someone else’s expectation. And their problem.
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Yet another group is “Stuff I paid for.”
Hey - if you paid for it, you can drop it just as fast as you like. Don’t throw good money (and time) after a bad investment or an interest that’s waned.
Maybe you paid with effort, and you want to try and make the thing work, despite all the proof that it won’t. That’s fine if it’s something that really important to you. Just don’t do it to avoid admitting a mistake. There are better ways to live.
Failing to admit a mistake doesn’t make it less of a mistake. It makes it more of one.
….
Now, take all the things you can get rid of immediately and put them on the “Things To Get Rid Of” list.
Whatever is left is likely something that involves a void to fill. Money to pay off debts or skills needed to alleviate shortcomings.
Put those on the “Main Goals” list, if they’re really things that you need to be happy.
Remember, the only definition of what’s important in your happiness is the one you set. What I or anyone else might think of it is completely unimportant.
If it makes you truly happy without actively interfering with someone else’s life, it’s what you should do.
Part III Coming Soon…
Wishing you the best of success,
Tom O’Brien
Editor
Self Help Tips
with the drink - and lots of water.